A Quarter of a Century
- Simi
- May 3, 2021
- 6 min read
Half way to 50! Here are 25 things I felt I've learned in the last 25 years that don't even come close to everything but summarises some of the important ones I remembered off the top of my head :)
1. Communication: Conflict doesn't have to be all bad, but honestly, so many negative interactions can be avoided if we speak up about how we feel in the moment rather then shoving it under a rug and hoping to find a "better" time. Sometimes there are more appropriate times, but sooner rather than later is generally better. Handling hard topics are best done after the initial wave of emotions have passed and responding with facts that can't be refuted.
2. Unrequited love: It is normal but not healthy. I wish I could have told my younger self to love myself more rather than pining for someone who couldn't give me what I wanted or deserved.
3. Grief: It's just pent up love with no place to go.
4. Friendships: I don’t need to be friends with everyone; I can choose who I surround myself with just as others can choose or not choose to be around me. Real friendships take time to develop. It's natural that as we grow and change, those around us will too (sometimes we grow at different rates) - thus there are casualties while growing up. Sometimes it's misunderstandings (see point 1) or just two incompatible personalities. A real friend won't give up on the friendship or on you, but sometimes it is better to end it and go separate ways. Knowing yourself can help decide which is the best option. People can be nice but not always meant to be your friend. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean they are privy to your trust.
5. Triggers: Identifying my triggers and taking time to reflect has really helped me better understand myself and find the words to explain why I may have reacted a certain way to someone at a later time (again, point 1). We are all likely to have facets of trauma due to the consequences of growing pains and life in general.
6. Attachment styles: Attachment styles impact all of my relationships, and it's made me realise the imperfection of my parents and the world we are in; yet, I understand my parents better because of it. My parents love me in the only way they know how, and there is no perfect way to give the unconditional love of a parent - if we are just lucky enough to receive that kind of love in this lifetime. Understanding my attachment style and those I have relationships with, help me to be more patient with myself and them.
7. Boundaries: They need to be set, because the relationship to myself is just as important as my external ones. It's okay to say no. I am not responsible for the feelings of others.
8. Mental health: Negative mental health habits that have been considered "normal" my whole life need to be broken. Mental exercises in watching my thoughts and redirecting them to influence my mood and emotions are just as important as physical exercise.
9. Comparison: Just because someone else is shining brightly doesn’t mean I’m not (thank you Justin Baldoni for this example). We can all shine brightly together in this galaxy.
10. Gaslighting: If anyone makes you doubt how you feel, recognise that it may be gaslighting. No one can tell you how you feel. It is a sign that the other person is uncomfortable with their own feelings. Your feelings are valid and true to the the perception you choose to live (doesn’t mean you’re right but this isn’t a matter of right and wrong- just giving yourself credit on your own feelings). Validating your feelings can help build trust within yourself.
11. Don't skip steps: When we read a book, there's a beginning, middle, and end usually. The same goes for the stories within our lives. To get to the end, where we may find ourselves rooting for a "villain" who went through a transformation (i.e. Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender), it takes steps to get there. Same for us in our development and in achieving our dreams. Rome truly wasn't build in a night.
12. Acceptance is the key to peace: Easier said than done, but accepting ourselves and the current reality can help us find peace about things we didn't like about ourselves and things that cannot be changed. Acceptance doesn't necessarily mean "give up," but just recognising what is truly within and not within our control.
13. It’s rarely ever personal: People are sensitive creatures with egos. This includes me, and I think more often than not. People react to each other negatively due to other underlying issues. What can set us aside is if we can take our own issues and resolve them rather than continuing a chain of negativity to those around us.
14. Being sensitive can be a good thing: Being sensitive can help protect me and make my life just a tad more colourful. To feel so deeply is a gift. Life is never boring.
15. Use logic, facts, and reduce emotional verbiage when needing to discuss difficult topics: The moment we let our emotions overpower us, we've lost the "battle." Facts will support you better when needing to defend yourself especially in professional settings. This does not discredit our emotions, and it is also okay to present our feelings after the first, intense wave of emotions have passed.
16. Introvert: I can't believe I used to think I was an extrovert. Ironically, working as a residential assistant forced me (and many others) to need to be very social. However, being social is like learning a skill. Just because I know how to do it, doesn't mean it's my preferred skill to use often. I need my alone time so much if I want to be pleasant around those I actually like around me. Plus, energy depletion can go at different rates depending on the size, environment, crowd, people, any combination of these, etc.
17. Therapy: Also, everyone should go to therapy if they can. EVERYONE. I don't care how mentally "stable" you are, just go and have an experience. You have nothing to lose (maybe money and time - but think of those as investments) and only something to gain. Therapy is equally preventative as it is a form of treatment.
18. Independence: When we don't know ourselves, it's easy to lose ourselves. Maintaining many aspects of my life (i.e. friendships, work, hobbies, etc.) is how I prevent myself from losing myself in any one relationship.
19. Intrapersonal Relationship: I carve out alone time when I am feeling lost or being moody with those I’m close to. Moodiness is a good sign I might need a small recharge to watch psych videos, journal, and self-reflect. Thinking about ourselves is a healthy kind of selfish in this regard. When the relationship with ourself is healthy, it'll blossom into healthy relationships with those around you.
20. Family: Call them or find ways to communicate even if it's in group texts when a call can't happen. I am always, grateful for the opportunities I was given because of my parents and the support I get from them and my brother. I want to keep a relationship with them in my life no matter where I live.
21. Our bodies change with us: Allergies can develop later in life, so listen to your body. If you're breaking out or notice certain foods make you bloated, it's important to take notes of the communication our bodies are trying to have with us through physical manifestations.
22. Confidence: We should believe in ourselves more, because we are more capable than we think. If you look back on how far you've come... you have to be proud of yourself to some extent. This is healthy pride.
23. Gratitude: Saying what I'm grateful for every day really helped me during my depressed college years. Since then, sometimes I just remind myself of the good in my day to day life, because it not only grounds me but also improves my mood when recognising that there is so much to be grateful for!
24. Sorry: I should probably apologise less, and that is hard to do. Sorry about that...
but jokes aside, we can strive to be unapologetically ourselves - however that may look in our day-to-day lives.
25. People Pleasing: This is just another form of control. Trying to control the perception of others. I am not responsible for how others feel, so I do not need to earn favourable opinions.
And for a bonus:
26. Good vs Bad: Not everything in life is black & white. Rarely, are the people we interact with on a daily basis "good" or "bad." There is a lot more "grey area" than we may initially be comfortable with accepting, but once we realise this - we can be kinder to ourselves and to those around us. Empathy is the real skill we would ideally continue developing in a healthy way.
Thank you for reading my post on 25 +1 things I've learned in a quarter of a century! There is still so much to learn, and of course, I cannot forget to keep practicing the aforementioned list. Wishing everyone the best in their ongoing life journey.
Sincerely,
Simi
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