Being Good, Feeling Safe

Something I've always appreciated was the contrast of light and dark on a cold, rainy day. I love the artistic capture of twilight just before sundown when people arrive home to turn on their heat and lights.

As a child, when I would sit in the back of the car, and my dad would drive us home, I liked imagining that each house we passed by had a daughter my age too. That the girl living in one of those warm homes liked American Girl or whatever interest I had at that time. That they had a favourite character (different from mine of course), and they too felt safe and loved in the confines of their home, protected from the external threats of the cold, the dark, and the unknown.

Captured as I was walking in London after getting my 8th piercing. I now wear a croissant earring there.

As an adult, I still find myself peering into the homes of others (not as creepily as it sounds), and I can't help but look at the lights that contrast so heavily from the dark outdoors. It feels inviting, maybe not a physical invitation, but an invitation to imagine. So, I still imagine, I wonder about who lives there and what do they do for a living to afford such a lovely home.

I think about that feeling of safety, that I was one of the lucky ones to experience, thanks to my parents. Now, that I am an adult, I provide safety to my cat. He will never have to understand the responsibilities of commuting and working at a corporate job, so that he can get the luxuries in his next food order of Ultra Premium Direct. He is an ultra premium boy (not sponsored).

But on top of responsibilities including but not limited to: paying bills, cooking, doctor's appointments, and administrative tasks, there is an understood responsibility to ourselves that our parents/guardians no longer protect us, but we must protect ourselves.

Ultra premium boy.

Safety goes beyond the comforts of a physical place but includes psychological safety too. The environment we choose (if we are lucky enough to choose) can impact how we grow, and what's considered a strength in one environment could be perceived as a weakness in another. Context matters.

Things my parents used to say make sense to me in a different way, now that I have grown up a little more. They used to say, "I don't have time to be sad." A reflection of the times they grew up in, and a reflection of the responsibility they stepped into in their role as a parent. That isn't to say, we cannot let ourselves feel or that they didn't have feelings, but rather recognising that there will always be unfinished work that will not get done if we do not take the action ourselves.

One of my best friends now has a beautiful family of four (seven, counting their three cats). When I visit, I too feel safe and sound in her welcoming home. She remains herself, but not the girl I met 12 years ago in French class describing Shakira: Elle aime danser. She is a woman, a mom, a sister, a manager, a wife, a dear friend, a daughter, a social glue, and more depending on what title she describes herself as. However, it's beautiful to witness her and her husband step up in their role as protectors and parents to their family and to each other. I recall during my last visit, asking them how they aren't tired, and her husband simply said, "We just have to do it." Because, no one else will.

Can you smell the freshly baked bread? The feeling of walking home with a warm, croustillant loaf to eat with a delicious, homemade soup and French cheese.

Hence, I've reached a point of consideration about myself as someone who takes responsibility seriously and feels deeply. I am learning now about "the masks" I wore throughout my life to keep me safe, socially, physically, and psychologically. I wouldn't say that I tried to be "fake," but that various aspects of me are still me and simply not one stereotype or label. Ironic, since my blog name is "Sincerely Simi," and I am now thinking about this.

I am realising, why I had "phases" in my adolescence and even emerging adulthood. I am observing myself as it is happening, as to why I feel the cracks slipping when I don't manage to conceal how I truly feel about something in some scenarios. Especially in situations, I feel that I have deemed "unsafe" to show a version of me. I am noticing in real time how these "slip-ups" affect me and my mental health when perhaps others just saw me as being human.

My adult-self understands what Princess Anneliese and Erika were singing about when they wanted to be free in Barbie Princess and the Pauper. Superficially, a princess wants less responsibilities, so she could read all day, and a seamstress no longer wants to be in debt to follow her dream to sing. However, if I take it a step further, both didn't want to live in the confines society and they had placed upon themselves. The Princess still had responsibilities, even worse, duties to her kingdom. She was born to be a people pleaser. The Pauper couldn't just stop paying back her debts. She could go to prison. Neither could "run away" from their problems. There are consequences to actions and even inaction. They had to be responsible "adults" (I think they were like 16-18 years old, so their brains weren't fully developed anyway). Life worked out for them to switch places, fall in love, save the kingdom, and have a double wedding.

In my dreams, I'll be free

I don't necessarily want to meet my doppelgänger, switch places, save a kingdom, and get married to a handsome stranger to live happily ever after. I am taking into perspective how much of a people pleaser I continue to be, to "stay safe." In doing this, I try to maintain an image of being good. A good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good employee, etc. To others, this is great, but that's exactly it. I am great for others to some extent, if I deny or lie to myself about how I actually feel. I will sometimes say yes, when I want to say no (not as much now, but I used to try and uphold some sense of agreeability). I will spend extra money on someone, when I didn't need to. I fear the risk of being seen as not "good."

So what happens when I stop people pleasing? When I stopped being a "good friend," I lost friendships. If I stop being a good employee, I would lose my job. If I am not a good daughter, I could hurt my parents. The consequences or the fear of those negative outcomes, drive my actions or inactions. I see now, that when errors were made, intentionally or not, I felt the weight of not just hurting others but associating that being seen meant being unsafe.

Unfortunately, I don't really have a conclusion to this. I can only state what I recognise and see in myself on a daily basis. It's why I enjoy my own company. I can only hurt myself if I am alone. I don't have to take risks if I hermit, because being around others for too long could be unsafe or fatigue me too soon from wearing one mask for too long. To the friends of mine that I can spend near endless time with, it's probably because I feel safe and not in one sole mask the whole time. Thank you.

I will work on it. That's all I can say. Try to accept myself, even with my flaws or letting others "Simi" (like "see me" but spelled differently). Somehow, there are people who do still love me despite my flaws. They can accept me, even parts I struggle to love.

I'll still choose to be good over being bad, but I think I'll try to make more space to let me be myself. It's okay. I would even argue that the most attractive people I have met, are those who are really comfortable being in their own skin. Those who accept that this is how they are. Not being stubborn or inflexible to change or improving themselves, but accepting that they can make mistakes, or not be liked, and still be secure in themselves. I hope to be that one day.

Twilight before sunrise at the Dancing Goat café in the 20ème arrondissement.

So, I'll take the steps to change my perspective. I was always looking into those homes, when I myself have a warm and safe home too, emitting light into a dark world. That from the outside, my good and bad can still be a beautiful expression of me.

Perhaps the first step, isn't deeming something as good or bad, but my qualities and personality have merit and can be appreciated as is. It can be safe to be seen.