American Girl in Manipur
- Simi
- Nov 27, 2018
- 8 min read
It's 3:30 in the morning and the rooster is already crowing me awake. I lie in the dark protected by a mosquito net and let my thoughts roam.
"Oh no. I have to pee."
I toss and turn procrastinating the inevitable biological callings of my body before finally sitting up and turning the flashlight on my phone. I crawl out of my protected bubble, and search for some flip flops to protect my feet from the murky floors. I go to one of the "western style" toilets on this level of the house and stare at it after turning the lights on.
"Oh my god oh my god oh my god."
Two spiders stare at me hanging from their web casually in the corner of the one bathroom I can use. The other toilet was on the floor and squatting just isn't my forte while doing business.
I suck it up and manage to survive this time. Thank goodness my mum brought some toilet paper for me, since doing the whole "turning a knob for water and using just my hand"... was also a struggle... despite it being a useful mechanism to save trees.
I manage to fall back into a restless sleep for three more hours only to be awaken by the blinding sun and sounds of the house already in the bustle of the day.
I look up at the netting above me, "Can I really do this?"
Why did I decide to come back to Manipur, India, when six years ago I had vowed that I would probably never return.
I did it, because of two reasons:
1. The health clinic being held this week to learn more about the healthcare in India and prepare me for a career in global health - Something I hope will be in my future.
2. To find peace with my parents' background - my parents are both immigrants from Manipur - and in order to become more confident in myself, I wanted to be confident in my own cultural identity.
Born and brought up as an American, I was confused. I didn't fit in with all the Indian Americans, since I didn't look like them or share all of the same cultural nuances. I wasn't like the Chinese, Korean, or Japanese Americans even if I look like them, because well, I'm not from the same background. And, I grew up in a white society in the Midwest area of the United States. Which means, I WAS the diversity for that area growing up.
Who am I? Where do I fit in?
I went through phases in my life adopting the various cultures I could possibly associate myself with. In middle school, I tried to fit in with Indian culture and knew all about Bollywood. In high school, I watched Korean dramas, listened to K-pop, and drank bubble tea for the first time. In college, I adapted to the Dallas Christian culture for two years. Now, I am just simply me. An American girl.
The beauty of being an American is that this country was founded on immigrants and is an overflowing pot of cultures. Who says I have to adopt one culture or try to be something I am not, when I could embrace my American-ness and LEARN about each and every culture. That's the beauty of being a tourist, we can just learn and see the beauty of each culture/country. So that is what I did when I went to Manipur. I went as an American tourist, and I got to learn a lot about the state.
Laklan, a fourteen year old girl with a sweet smile, approaches me and asks in Manipuri if I want green tea. She helps take care of the household with the chores of cooking and cleaning. She doesn't go to school, and I'm sure she finds me as a very amusing, bumbling American from the moment she set eyes on me.
I get up and slip on the flip flops again as I fumble about the bathroom trying to do all my hygienic rituals before emerging to take on the day.
Various events helped shape my interest in global health, and my own experiences really shaped why I want to focus into mental health epidemiology. During this gap year, other than traveling and working on saving money (a juxtaposition!), I really wanted to rest and take care of my health (physical and mental). Part of my mental health therapy was to build confidence and become secure in my identity. I knew I wanted to understand healthcare in other countries, and I thought, why not Manipur? Manipur is another culture for me to learn and a chance to connect with my parents' heritage. The trip truly humbled me.
My cousin and his wife are doctors working in a lot of preventative medicine for the community. Actually, my cousin is so cool and goes to conferences with other world leaders focusing in Hepatitis C prevention. He is the kind of doctor I want to work with one day :')
So that was basically my connection to work with the Lions Club during their health screening on November 1.
The health camp takes place twice a year and is free of charge of course, and really helps the community by providing services to get health checks and medicine as needed. I talked with a principal who brought all of his students to the location, but I spent more time speaking with the teachers of the school who were open with me about their health concerns. It was actually frustrating in the beginning, because I was annoyed at myself.
My English is heavily American accented, and my other cousin talked to me about it - what's the point of speaking my "very American English" if no one can communicate or understand me. So I spoke slower, and the communication became easier. It made me think about how it is such a privilege to know English, but not because I can speak with other people around the world, but because they all learn English and can speak with someone like me (who isn't fluent in anything else). It inspires me to try harder to better my Manipuri (though I understand the language, just can't speak it) and my French (which is a language I've enjoyed learning passively over the years). Interestingly enough, even when I was in France, I mostly got around in French, but there was one incident that I was speaking to my *French grandmother's friend in English, and they told me that my accent is so American it was harder to understand compared to my French grandmother's English which had a French accent to it. It goes the other way too, when someone speaks rapidly in French to me, it is harder for me to understand than when they are speaking slowly.
*I do not have a French grandmother to clarify. I became friends with an older French woman who was like the French grandmother I never knew I needed.
It was such a moment of forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Not that I struggle too much to talk with people, but that initial "I am a little shy" does appear at first. Plus, it became easier once the conversation began to flow. I learned more about the other determinants that affect their health. Even though Manipuri are often discriminated against in India, because of the difference in appearance and culture, I learned that the Nepali often get discriminated against as well. Job security, discrimination, and drug abuse are just some of the issues that influence the over all health there. It is interesting as well, because the air quality and diet too has influenced which diseases are more prominent in those areas.
Another idea that I hadn't considered, but came up while I was talking to my dad's best friend who lives in New Dehli, was the hierarchy of needs. When I asked about mental health related issues, of course it exists, but the acknowledgement is less possibly due to the level of need. My dad's best friend commented that depression and anxiety are more diagnosed in developed countries. While India is advancing rapidly, the culture truly influences a lot of the direction in the progress. Strong social support has been tied to buffering for many diseases.
Let me expand.
Sitting in the car waiting for my cousin's wife to get the samosas to give to the children at the orphanage we were visiting soon, I quietly listen to my cousins' children speak in Manipuri about a man with mental issues on the side of the road. They refer to him as "homeless."
I perk up and turn to my cousin, "Do homeless people actually exist here?" - This sounds like a stupid question I know.
My cousin turns around, "He is not exactly homeless." He smiles a little, because his children have gone quiet as they do whenever I chime in in English to their conversations. He continues, "He has a home, but he comes here during the day and sits on the side of the road."
"I realize, that homelessness really doesn't exist here. Culturally, it makes sense, because everyone lives with their family, because blood is blood."
Is homelessness majorly an industrialized problem that emerged due to the more individualistic way of thinking? It seems like it.
It made me appreciate the Eastern culture way of thinking - collectivism vs individualism. It makes me want to learn more, because I truly believe we can learn something from all countries and cultures and work together to improve the world that we share.
At the orphanage, I really enjoyed talking with the children. They reminded me that we really don't get to choose what kind of life we are born into, but what we do with what we have makes the difference. These beautiful souls were born into the world with HIV, which doesn't have a cure. Due to geographical borders with Myanmar, I was informed about the drug problem that is happening in Manipur. That is where the main causes of HIV spread is happening, and these children are born with an incurable disease and no choice on that matter. Except, these children aren't any different from the rest of us. The orphanage is run by a very funny and kind man who self-funds the place by selling lovely flowers. The children are able to take their medicine every day, learn to play music, paint, and more. They told me about their dreams to be a dancer, football (soccer) players, singers, and it was just so relatable. I hope with all my heart that all of them get to make their dreams come true, because I too am chasing my dreams.
I had a lot of fun on this trip (though I really struggled at some moments), and it was fun reflecting over my time there while writing this. I hope you taking the time to read this enjoyed learning some bits about Manipur too. Let me know what your thoughts might be on some of these topics, because I don't know or think my writing does all of these issues justice.
I will say, this trip doesn't "cure" my identity crisis with my struggle to accept the Manipuri side of me, but I think it's okay that I am trying. I think it is okay that it is a process, and that I am more confident in my identity now than I was at sixteen. I am learning! There was a moment when I struggled and really wondered if I was cut out for global health, because I judged myself for being what I felt was "high maintenance." (Maybe you're laughing, but I really appreciate toilet paper okay). But truth be told, I don't think I can see myself doing anything else. I will find a way to adapt and prepare as needed. My hope is that I will be able to give to this world more knowledge in mental health epidemiology, because I think everyone should get a chance to live life fully and live their best lives.
And a thank you to my parents. Thank you, Papa for giving me and my brother so much opportunity in the United States. I know I wouldn't be the person that I am today if my environment growing up was somewhere different. I like the person I am, and I am so grateful for the friends I might have never met if I didn't live where I lived. I also think about how I wouldn't have become a competitive swimmer growing up if we weren't where we were in the US. Much to be thankful for. Thank you for reading!
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