Rejection

I got my first rejection letter today from a graduate school. This is my way of processing it and stopping myself from spiraling into a catastrophic way of thinking.

Moi: Qu'est que tu pense? Lui: Rien, mais merci.

It was my 17th summer. Swim practice had just ended, and I had to time everything right. I had imagined this moment in my head multiple times, and even circled the date on my calendar as D-DAY.

I saw him from a distance chatting away with his friends as he was about to head home. He was cool, and I was not. He had a close group of friends which sometimes I wished I could be a part of. He was disciplined, smart, and loved to read. I just liked chatting with him on the bus. As a planner at the time, I was afraid I would miss him, so I mustered up what dignity I had left and asked him if it was okay that I talked with him privately before he left. He said of course, and I went back to my bag to grab the letter.

It was the most obnoxious and embarrassing thing I would do up to that point in my life. Trust me, I do more embarrassing things later... you'd think I'd learn but oh well.

It was summer, but the mornings hadn't gotten too hot just yet. The sun shined amidst a clear, blue sky as if promising a good day. The trees had bloomed into beautiful light pink and white flowers, and the petals were falling slowly as he walked beside me on his bike. It almost seemed like a movie. He glanced over at my hands holding the letter as though he was already suspicious of what I was about to tell him.

We stopped at the end of the intersection before we had to go separate ways, and at this point I think I had been rambling out of nervousness about something or the other. He looked at me patiently, with a knowing look of what I was about to say. The petals continued to fall slowly around us, and time stopped for one minute. The one minute it took for us to have the conversation.

"I likeD you this past year."

Even though the truth was I still liked him, but I didn't want to look like the loser, so I purposely said the verb in past tense. That way it looked like I was over him, because deep down, I already knew his answer.

I rambled more and handed him the letter. My first love letter I had ever written (though this isn't love just a crush). I picked out the most cringe-worthy stationary and had my best friend proof-read the whole letter; it contained the details of how I met him and when I started to like him. Oh my god. I'm feeling embarrassed for 17 year old me all over again.

I found out he had been suspect to my feelings for a while now. Who am I kidding, I must have been so obvious even though I tried so hard to hide my feelings. He took the letter and rejected me kindly. He didn't even have to say that he didn't feel the same. It was just understood. I made an excuse to end the conversation before I could die anymore from embarrassment and melt into a puddle right there. I walked back to my house while the sun wrapped me in a warm, consoling hug.

I turned on the shower, crawled into a ball on the floor of the tub, and wept.

Nature always helps me when I'm feeling blue.

Some years have passed, and while I was in college I applied to be a Residential Advisor. A RA is someone who works with residents living on campus to mentor them by providing emotional support, planning events to build a community, reporting any emergencies, and being a resource about what the university offers for them to become involved. It was an overly glamorized position in reality, but from the outside, it held prestige.

I had applied the year before and gotten accepted for the building I wanted, but I had to reject the offer due to realizing that I needed to focus on my academics more that fall semester.

But that wasn't going to stop me. I decided I would apply again for the spring semester, and I felt confident I could be hired again. After all, they accepted me once, wouldn't they accept me again?

Ha! My ego was humbled.

I opened up my email from the Residential Life Department and read:

After reviewing many applications for the PA position, we regret to inform you that after thorough review and serious consideration, we will not be hiring you for the spring semester. However, we will be putting your application through to continue for the fall semester. Thank you for blah blah blah blah blah.

I reread the first sentence again. And again. As if holding out that the words would magically change.

I was devastated.

Why am I never good enough? Why wasn't I good enough for them the second time around, but I was okay the first time?

I bawled as my self-worth and confidence shattered once more.

I used to do ballet when I was younger. This isn't really a full arabesque though.

Today, I opened up my email and saw familiar sugar-coated words from one of the graduate programs I applied for:

Thank you for applying at BLAH BLAH GRADUATE SCHOOL. After thoroughly reviewing your application, we regret to inform you that your application has not been approved. We strongly encourage you to apply for our other certificate course for a mere price of another application fee and blah blah blah school system is a business. Education is not free here blah blah.

And now, I'm sitting here reflecting. Sipping water and reflecting on countless times I've been rejected. The above stories were just a few of the many times I've been rejected.

Since then, I've been rejected by other boys and also didn't get every position I wanted. But that's okay. Because I'm still here.

It's not that I wasn't good enough for those guys or for those jobs, but rather we were just not a good match. Something better was meant for me.

In all honesty, this particular school wasn't my first choice, and deep down I knew that if I went to this school, their program wouldn't be focused in exactly what I want either. It still stung to be rejected though.

However, I'm not giving up either. Here's what I reminded myself:

First, the one good thing that came out of Pandora's box was hope. I still have that. I haven't heard from the other schools yet, and sure my mind went to, "OMG WHAT IF I DON'T GET INTO ANY SCHOOL?!" Then, I'll try again. Because if this is something I really want, then I'll keep trying and see what doors open on my journey there.

Second, I totally have the habit of having "catastrophic thinking," which by the way I did google and is real. As someone who tends to be anxious, it's easy for me to think of what the worst case scenario is which then leads my body into going into the physical symptoms of the actual worst case scenario happening. Increased heart rate, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, feeling depressed, etc. I acknowledged my fear as valid, and then I period-ed it. "Okay, so maybe I'll be rejected by all my schools. That is legit."

Third, I asked myself, what can I do now? What is in my sphere of control? Well, I can prepare for this interview I have coming up for a job. Maybe I'll get rejected from that, but maybe I'll get it. I have to keep trying. So I spent the afternoon studying the medical terms I would need to know, and doing what I can to do my best for tomorrow.

The hardest part of all of this for me, is the fear of disappointing my parents. After all they've done to sacrifice for me, I don't want them to be ashamed of me if I have to delay my entrance into graduate school another year. I don't really have an answer to this fear, but I think I'll be honest with them during the process as much as I can. I think for them, they just want to SIMI (see me) be happy and secure financially. I hope I will get into the program of my dreams, but I'll try again if this year isn't my year. I can still find a job and move to another city in the meanwhile or do whatever I can to increase my experience and make me more competitive for those programs. It'll happen in the right time.

I'm doing my best and that's all I can do. I didn't cry, but I was a bit disappointed to be rejected today. I feel better now though after letting my emotions process and being honest with myself about it. In the end, life does seem to work out I think.

The boy from that summer ended up becoming a better friend to me, and I'm thankful for it. I did end up getting hired as a RA for the following fall semester that year, and I met the most amazing staff and worked with some of my most memorable students. Ironically enough, the timing of my hire was a blessing in disguise, and I had the most amazing boss who to this day still believes in me. When I finally went to France he told me, "Simi! You finally did it!" And that meant the world to me :')

Today won't be the last time I get rejected, but how I choose to handle rejection and perceive my life will be more defining. Thank you for taking the time to read this entry. It was honestly quite therapeutic as I wrote this, and I actually journaled more privately earlier. Wish me the best on my other endeavors/send me good vibes, and here's to being open to the journey. I hope that if any of you have experienced rejection recently find comfort in knowing you're not alone, and to keep your chin up and never give up. Resilience is beautiful.

Best wishes,

Simi :)

#rejection #anxiety #graduateschool #life #thoughts #reframing #resilience #goodvibes #bepositive