Forever Alone?
- Simi
- Jul 4, 2020
- 8 min read
I'm alone, and sometimes... I feel lonely.
It has been a while since I have been able to push through and write my next blog post. Since March, so much has happened (and is still happening) from a global pandemic, Black Lives Matter, murder hornets (what ever happened to those?), and my own personal self-development. Each time I wanted to write about a particular topic, I had doubts about whether I was "good enough" to write about a topic or if my writing would unintentionally hurt someone due to my lack of sensitivity or recognising the full story (something I am still learning to forgive myself for). I held myself captive in a limbo within my own mind and just took quarantine day by day.
Paris is finally opening up to normal life again, as a matter of fact, I'm literally writing this at a café enjoying a cortado on the terrace. Can I get more Parisian?
Admittedly, I know globally everyone is facing different battles internally and externally. Our unique problems might make us feel more alone or misunderstood, but in other ways the human existence allows us the ability (if we choose) to share our loneliness with more compassion and empathy in recognising that life will not always be en rose.
The truth is, we cannot control external factors, hence anxiety, but we can control or monitor our reactions/perceptions and our internal world. After all, our lives are lived in the perception that we tell it. For some people, we may be the villains to their story and to others we are their love interest, and to ourselves, we are the main character - never forget that.
Humans by nature are social beings; even introverts need people! In fact, the greatest buffer to illness is social support. For me, I feel the most comfortable when I'm by myself in my room, and sometimes when I am around groups of people I am not able to fully be the version of me that I want to be then I feel really lonely. My energy gets drained, and I'll probably find some excuse to leave the social setting. Yet, with people who do accept my quirks and my anomalies, I could spend quite a bit of time with them just enjoying each other's presence.
Living in Paris for almost a whole year now has taken me away from my comfortable and secure home in the US, and left me alone to face the truth about myself and the people around me. It has been a challenging year, and I have made many mistakes along the way but learned from them nonetheless. On the flip-side, it has also been rewarding, because I have found people who do like me for me and also am learning more about myself too.
I want to share my thoughts on the difference of being alone and lonely. During confinement, I found myself in a routine and was lucky to spend pretty much everyday of it with someone I like very much. There was no social anxiety, because the farthest I went was to the grocery store. Post-confinement, reassembling back into "society," was a little weird. Actually, for me, I found myself more alone post-confinement, because now social obligations and plans to meet up with people started to emerge. Thankfully, having the few months off gave me time to reset myself. It's the perspective I choose to have on this unforgettable time period.
I encourage everyone to learn how to be alone. Learn about yourself, and be honest about who you really are. Even the attributes you wish were not your default setting. I spend more time by myself during post-confinement, because part of me chooses that and another part of me eats at times when no one else is in the kitchen (or nobody seems to cook anymore ahaha, or they are all actually really social outside of the house).
Perhaps some of us are afraid to be alone, because then we are stuck ruminating on unpleasant thoughts. Redo your inner world.
When I am on the metro, I can Simi in the reflection of the window and sometimes feel very alone even when it's rush hour and every smelly person coming home from work is emitting their personal scent (eau des personnes). However, I have worked on redirecting my thoughts and reminding myself that there are people in my life who do support and like me very much. I think about certain people who and how they have made me feel loved. Then I breathe in through my mask and feel a little better.
Lately, I have spent (too much) time on YouTube videos about attachment styles and that has overwhelmed me but also informed me so much about why I am the way that I am. Everyone should take some time to really learn about their attachment styles if they can, because self-knowledge is key to interacting with the world. When we know ourselves better, we reduce the risk of hurting ourselves or others around us. We know our strengths and how to use them to make the world a bit better, we are aware of our weaknesses and how they might be triggered in some scenarios, and we make life more enjoyable for ourselves as we choose the actions and perspectives we want to take in our every day life.
The key to enjoying your own company: self-knowledge
How can we begin and practice learning about ourselves constantly? Here are some ideas that I am sharing:
Learn to parent yourself.
Stop judging yourself & be honest with yourself.
Talk to trusted people in your life about what you are going through.
Do something each week or each day alone in public that gives you a little bit of anxiety.
The thing about being alone is that no matter where we go, who we meet, or what we do, we will always be in the presence of ourselves. So we better start really falling in love with ourselves in order enjoy life more. In my opinion, to truly love someone, you must know them. This applies with ourselves too.
1. What do I mean when I say parent yourself? Well, I mean accept that no matter what kind of household you grew up in, that no parent or guardian was perfect so there are repercussions in how you might regard love and relationships (platonic, romantic, etc.).
Sometimes, something happens, and suddenly, you feel like a little child again. Maybe you feel insecure about your appearance or your capabilities, or maybe you aren't sure if someone likes you as a friend or not. Whatever it may be, something has happened in your past that makes you afraid of getting hurt. The desire to feel secure is so pure, and you do deserve that.
Personally, when I feel insecure, I hug myself and tell myself I am okay. That whatever is bothering me, will not matter so much in the long run. That nothing lasts forever, so the intensity of this emotion or the issue I am having will be resolved. That I am loved and cared for. I do not diminish the reality of the situation or my feelings, but I accept that I do feel one way or the other, and that is okay.
2. Stop judging yourself. Often, we are more critical of ourselves than we are on other people. I recently listened to an episode of the Broken Brain on How to Release Self-Criticism and Find Fierce Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff - an excellent podcast available on Spotify I will link here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/57osBf9LooiJeYEVxCfOhR?si=thGSq8kpSkOnyhyzsRKEyA
A concept that stood out was the biological response of: fight, flight, or freeze. When we fight, we criticize ourselves ("I'm so stupid for doing that."). When we flight, we isolate ourselves from the real world. When we freeze, we ruminate on negative thoughts and let it marinate in our heads leaving a bad taste/feeling. When something triggers you, how do you respond?
I tend to isolate myself when I feel hurt, because I am horrible at hiding my feelings. There's a part of me that is afraid of letting my vulnerable self be known to others (I imagine it is the same for most people). I fear being judged and rejected for some aspect of me that I have yet to fully accept. I think it is okay if I need to spend some time alone to soothe myself, but now I try to not let myself be afraid to face the facts of why I feel the way I do. I am honest with myself as much as I can be. Rather than being embarrassed about my feelings, I reframe my thoughts to attribute something I was worried about to something I can be proud of.
For example, when I do make a mistake. Rather than dramatically proclaiming my stupidity or feeling that I am undeserving of good things, I reframe my thoughts to: "I am smart, but I did something stupid. I still deserve to have good friends and enjoy life." Stop bullying yourself and increase your self-worth. Befriend yourself. You are a good friend. I promise.
3. We need to talk with the people who genuinely care about us. We all have human needs that need to be fulfilled in order to have balance in our life. When we search or expect for one person to fulfil all of those needs, we often become disappointed. Identify your needs (i.e. love and connection) and seek those needs in a variety of people you can trust.
I have a need and enjoy having deep conversations. This is a natural tendency of mine; however, not everyone wants to have a deep, meaningful conversation all the time. So I keep those conversations with certain people, and with others I try to keep it light and chat about tv shows or some random thing I am observing in front of me at the moment. I also will mix it up, since deep conversations can be a lot, but small talk isn't fun either.
Identify your feeling of importance. What makes you feel important or loved? I like feeling needed or helpful, so when people rely on me I feel more connected to that relationship. This will help you in creating healthier bonds with those around you. Understand that not everyone will be our cup of tea, and if someone doesn't like you for being yourself, that's okay. There are people who do. Spend more time and invest in the relationships with the people who do like you and you feel confident and comfortable enough to be yourself. If only you could see yourself the way they see you. I guarantee they appreciate and bring out your best qualities.
4. Challenge yourself. Sometimes, I get social anxiety just thinking about the scenario of going out. The idea of being in a public space with a lot of people and presuming some societal pressure (especially in Paris) to dress well. So, I try to take myself out on more dates just to get used to living my own life.
Once, I took an improv class (honestly harder than some of my Neuro classes in undergrad), and I cried due to my immense embarrassment for being called out by the teacher. I couldn't keep a straight face during a scene, because I was so amused by my fellow actors. However, the teacher essentially told me, "Simi, why are you laughing? You're not the audience. You're not watching yourself. You are in the scene."
I agree that we should laugh at ourselves, but don't live in fear of others' opinions. They will always have the right to their opinions, and so do you. We owe it to ourselves to be our biggest fans and hold ourselves in a positive light, because if we don't who will? Our parents won't be around forever, and people come and go in our lives all the time. We are literally stuck with ourselves. Live, don't watch yourself like a bystander. Do more of what makes you happy.
If this post was too long to read, just skim to this part!
Essentially, the take-home message is spend time getting to know yourself. Really figure out what makes you tick or what gives you energy. Figure out who sincerely supports you and who might actually just be an acquaintance.
The reason why I studied Neuroscience was because I wanted to understand the mind. I always knew feelings come from the brain and so does our consciousness. Sure, we still can explore more of space and under the sea, but I think the key to humanity might lie within ourselves. We can do a lot more for others when we understand ourselves better. We will come to self-acceptance when we stop fighting ourselves and treating ourselves like the enemy and embrace our true self-worth. Find the beauty in you. It exists.
Sincerely,
Simi :)
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