Me First.

Redefining what it means to be selfish.

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines selfish as:

concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

But I want to look at the second definition of the word:

arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

My favorite part of the second definition is "concern with one's own welfare." That is the focus of my first point on what it means to be selfish.

Maybe the selfish villains had a point going after what they wanted?

You can't help others if you can't help yourself. Perhaps you've heard this thrown about already, but it's true. And It's a lesson I keep having to relearn.

When I was in high school, I had a falling out with a friend during our senior year. At 17 going on 18, I was at the cusp of adulthood and still very immature. My self-worth came from the approval ratings of my peers and how I was doing in the achievement area of what society expects (taking all AP courses, graduating in the top blah blah percent, how many honors will I get?) - all based on external factors. See the problem?

To be beautiful, I needed to be runway model skinny, liked by (cute) boys, and have clear skin. I was insecure. My perception of beauty, of my self-worth, of who I was, was all wrong. But I didn't know that then. I was anxious about the future: Will I ever be good enough? Will I make my parents proud?

I was depressed about things from the year prior: Why didn't he like me? Why was I not good enough to be the captain? Am I not a capable leader? I didn't get what I wanted.

I took things more personally, because I was insecure. The biggest reflection of insecurity though was jealousy. My own insecurities projected into my comparison of myself to those around me.

Now a strength I will claim to have, is that I can see other's strengths. Let me get to know you, and I can tell you what I like about you pretty easily. It's not hard for me to see the good qualities in others, but when I was insecure, I tried to see how another person's strengths fit into my life. I wasn't letting the other person have their time to shine, rather, I was trying to see how I could make myself more like them. A bit selfish don't you think? When in reality, we could both shine brightly together with our respective strengths.

My friend was known (and still is) for her physical beauty. During our senior year, my friend developed an eating disorder, and being the way that I am, I noticed the unhealthy shift in her relationship to food. It bothered me, but not just out of concern, but because of my own insecurity in that she was already skinnier than me. (And at that time skinnier = prettier in my warped mindset). It made me more conscientious of my size and weight next to hers. I thought I was the ugly one between the two of us. I didn't want to be the ugly villain.

I felt guilty at the time, because I was jealous. I hated that feeling. I thought it made me uglier when I had to face the truth of my feelings. There have been times during my insecure years when I outright would tell my friends I was jealous of them. That's how honest I needed to be to them and myself, so maybe we could work together to help the friendship.

I wanted to help her too though, because she was my friend. It's like that complex I think most of us have: the Savior Complex. It's up to us to make all the difference, change lives, and save people. If someone asks, "How are you?" most people reply, "good, thanks, and you?" to which, if they reply, "not so great," suddenly, you could become their therapist. That isn't to say, giving a listening ear automatically makes you their therapist, but for me, I struggle with wanting to fix the problem if it's someone close to me practicing unhealthy habits. Of course I'll tell you my opinion if we're that close. You get my full honesty.

I forced distance between my friend and me, because that's what I do to friends when I get drained by them. But it wasn't all her fault I got drained by her. It was partially me too. (It takes two to tango!) It was me, because my perspective was clouding me from being the friend either of us needed. I couldn't be emotionally supportive during her time of need, because I was going through my own issues. And, that... was and is totally okay.

So my friend and I grew apart and grew up. We let time do its thing. (Life is the best teacher we'll ever have). We matured a bit, and next year we'll celebrate a decade of friendship together. She got help, and I did too. Both of us shared our experiences with therapy and have a good laugh over how amazing it is. I'm no longer trying to insert myself into her journey. I'm trusting that she is an adult, and I am too. I learned to be selfish with my time in order to get the help I needed, and she did too.

Which leads me to my next point of what I learned about being selfish: what it means to be an adult.

Deodorant? Check.

To me, being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions (this includes consequences). What does it mean to take responsibility? The ability to respond - I think we can do that as adults.

Something that finally clicked in my head recently was that I needed to know, not just trust, but really know, that my friends are adults. They can take care of themselves.

Sure, I can and will most likely be concerned for my friends if anything dangerous happens to them, but I cannot try to be their therapist. A role I realize I try to audition for more than I would like to admit.

I often made the mistake in my maturing process to get dumped with emotional problems by toxic friends when they would repeatedly make decisions to continue their unhealthy habits Then I would personally take my friends' problems and feel unnecessary burdens. I couldn't shake it off after a friend would end the phone call on me after dumping all of their emotional diarrhea. I would constantly make myself feel concerned especially when I noticed a friend not recognizing the need to get help.

But, their life, is not my responsibility. I want to be a good friend, and what does that mean to be a good friend? I needed to recognize that while I am sorting out my own life, I can't be someone's soundboard. Now, understand that this is something I realize about myself. Not that this applies to everyone, and that isn't to say I don't want to be there if my friends need an ear to listen. It just means, if my friend is an adult, I trust my friends will know what the consequences are to the decisions they are making. I need to be selfish with my emotional health. I know this about myself now. I really can't be close friends with unhealthy people. My personality won't let me. I will point out the issues and tell my friends things they might not want to hear. I have to be true to myself, and that is who I am. I am okay with this, because as I mature, I am learning how to stop taking other people's problems so personally.

I'm not me when I'm hungry, so I'll eat first.

It's like that airplane analogy. Whenever you fly, if there's an emergency landing, the protocol is for adults to put the mask over themselves first before assisting the child. It applies here too. If all my friends are adults, all of us will get that mask on ourselves, and if someone needs help, let me make sure I can breathe first before I help them breathe too.

I am grateful for the friends who have taught me so much in my journey. To both those who I have tried to make my patients and those who I have tried to make my therapists. I'm guilty of playing both roles. I have learned so much about myself in 23 years, and I think the key to navigating the world around me is to know myself first.

The more I know about myself in what I like and what I don't like, I figure out what I want and what I need. The older I get, the more I understand the power and responsibility of being an adult. I have the power to choose. Choose what I do with my time, who I spend my time with, and where I go with the decisions I choose.

I choose my friends. I don't have to be friends with everyone, and I am so okay with that. I choose me first, and I choose to be my own best friend. I can be a better friend, global citizen, leader, sister, daughter, etc., when I am the best me I can be.

It's a journey. My journey. Not anyone else's, and I am the main character of this story. Being jealous didn't make me evil, it made me human. It was character development, and I like my character a lot more now than I did at 17. Good thing too, since I am stuck with myself for the rest of my life.

Thank you for taking time to read my thoughts on how I am choosing to live for myself and be selfish in my own welfare to better serve the world around me. I hope that maybe this piece will help you reflect on your own journey, and I am rooting for you - I just won't live your story, because I have my own to write.

Sincerely,

Simi

#mefirst no more #metwo instead just #meone