Sensitive
- Simi
- Feb 4, 2020
- 8 min read
A good thing? A bad thing? How to deal with it?
When I was 10 years old, I was backstabbed by someone I considered a friend. Everyone had warned me about her for a while, but I wanted to believe in the best in people - that included her. So I kept my own positive opinion about her, until I saw her true colours later. It began a grudge of what I claimed was "hate" for about 2 years into middle school. Then I forgave her, because she changed. I also changed in that process. She became better, and "hating" someone, I realized was and is too much effort that benefitted no one. Also, I was a pre-teen with elementary/middle school drama, so looking at this now is laughable.
The details of her backstabbing, and my hatred (that a 10 year old could muster) is all water under the bridge now. The moral of the story is that we were both bullies in our own ways. She bullied those around her by playing the victim, and I bullied her back by ostracising her once I felt she had wronged me. Both of us are heroes and villains in our respective stories. For a fun fact, I do not stay in touch with her, but we are connected on Facebook. From what I can see thanks to my trusty stalking skills, she's happily married to the love of her life with a baby. I am happily single living my dreams out in Paris. I think we're both winners here.
I chose to remember this story, because I remember distinctively calling her sensitive when she had backstabbed me. Ironically, as I have grown up, I actually developed into becoming a highly sensitive person myself. What does that even mean for me and how has this development affected me?
Moving to Paris has challenged me in uprooting everything I've ever known and placing me in the slab of a new country, culture, language, friends, and situations that have all worked together to draw to my attention characteristics of myself that would have stayed otherwise unnoticed. It sucks. Growing up seriously sucks.
On my second day of school, I cried. I went home on the metro and cried in my room alone, because my sensitive little ass was triggered. In a whirlwind of starting a new program with new people from all over the world, I was overly stimulated with a bombardment of everything new. The trigger that day was a fear of mine that I would be ostracised like I was in elementary school (that is a whole different story about growing up in Indiana). That even though my friends from university and high school would claim that I was one of the most social people they know, it's not actually true. The root of my fear is my desire to be liked and included by people. A very human feeling that I believe lies in all of us in some form or another.
The second day of school wasn't all bad, by that evening, I was out and about in Paris again enjoying the views of the Eiffel Tower with a new classmate over drinks and ice cream. That is to say, a "bad" day can change after some time too if you just give the day a chance.
In the past few months, a conflict that I had to deal with was my internal struggle of knowing who my real friends were. Friendships like any relationships take time, and I had been so terribly spoiled with my best friends from high school and university that some of these friendships developed like they were on steroids.
The people you spend the most time with say a lot about the kind of person you are. The people I had spent a lot of time with would of course share with me their thoughts and feelings about various things, but after some time I found that when I shared some thoughts or feelings too, I would be discredited by my new "friends."
I was often told to not be the way that I am, or reminded that I shouldn't romanticise the past too much (guilty as charged!), or that there is no proof that I know what I know even if my gut just knew. That I was a bit immature around these people. I was never angry about what I was told. If anything, I internalised it and was so embarrassed for being me. I blamed myself and asked, "Why am I the way that I am?"
I thoroughly believe that friends should call us out on our sh*t. If I am being annoying or doing something detrimental to myself or others, please do tell me. Knowledge is power, I can't be better if I am ignorant to my weaknesses. So my next question is, where is that balance between being myself and improving as a person?
I needed to talk to someone. I wished I had my old therapist. The struggle of being on the other side of the world is that whenever I want to talk to my family or friends, they're all asleep, at school, or work. Time differences are tough.
As for my friends here, I didn't really want to be sharing such negative and overly, thought-out, complicated issues. Not to mention, I found myself sharing less and less about my thoughts and feelings with my classmates in fear that I would annoy them or do something that would be criticised again. I hid my real self, and not being true to who you are can isolate you. I could be surrounded by all these people and still feel so alone. I felt misunderstood, and I felt so alone. I was alone.
My problem was that I placed unfair expectations on people around me. I was in search of deep, meaningful connections. How could I ever expect anyone to fully understand me, when that is not feasible? I can barely understand all of me, so how could it be fair that I expect another being to understand me either? It makes those around me unsure of how to even deal with a sensitive person such as myself. So I need to understand myself better to put my best foot forward and create realistic, deep relationships with others.
It is a human desire to want to know others deeply and be known deeply too. However, I believe the idea of romanticism has fooled me and many others for a long time that we should find someone or people who just "get" us. No one will ever just "get" everything about us. They'll know us, and they can know us pretty damn well, but never as well as we will know ourselves.
I acknowledge my sensitivity. This doesn't mean I get offended by every little thing, and when I was younger I certainly took things more personally. Often blaming myself before really looking at the whole picture. However, my sensitivity has evolved as I have grown too. It takes two to tango in a relationship, and I don't need to go hating myself for being me.
Recently, I walked to school with some classmates who live near me since the metro strikes in Paris were inhibiting our usual commute. As a sensitive person who is naturally intuitive as well, I felt a vibe that was off with our group. In fact, I felt a bit ostracised, and it made me feel more alone. I had a feeling that something was wrong.
Three weeks later, I find out that one classmate in particular had been avoiding me, because they did not know how to handle me. They found me "too sensitive" for their taste. It confirmed my gut feeling about this person. Sometimes, being right doesn't feel so great. It stung. I was being rejected socially by someone. That hurts.
I am taking time to process it and understand this social situation. Thankfully, knowledge is still power, and with this information I have come to realize some things. Also, thank you to my "therapy" friend (you know who you are gurrrl!), for helping me unravel my thoughts.
1. How much power do I want to give to the other person's words? How credible are they?
- I look at the person who can't understand me, and I realize, they are a nice person. They are just being themselves, and themselves in this case is someone who is not as sensitive as me. We just don't click, and that's okay.
2. Being sensitive isn't all bad. It's good. It's me.
- What are the strengths of being a sensitive person? I get to live life more deeply than a non-sensitive person. My highs are high, and yes, unfortunately my lows are really low, but to feel is to be human. I am alive. I get to experience life through the eyes of someone who can really empathize with another person and understand things in a unique perspective. And with practice, I know that I'll learn to manage my sensitivity in a way that can really give back to the world and help people. I know that I have strengths to offer to others.
3. Power of choice.
- As that classmate chooses to avoid me, because they don't know how to handle me - I could easily play the victim card and say they are a bully. However, from their point of view, it's so human to avoid things or people we don't understand. The truth is, I have just as much power as them in choosing who I surround myself with. It's not personal. I do think it's important to experience different kinds of people, and I plan to be kind with this person (afterall, we are mature adults), but we aren't going to be best friends. I am so okay with that.
4. Letting Go
- It's normal to want to be liked by everyone, but I could be the funniest, smartest, kindest, prettiest girl around, and there will still be someone who doesn't like me. I can't control people's feelings, and everyone has an opinion. I don't always agree with other people too, so I would be a hypocrite to think people would like every part of me. It's just not possible. We can love people but not always like them (i.e. family).
It was while I was cooking the other day with my friend at the house that I realized I wasn't so alone. A quality that I really appreciate in my friends is the ability to let me be unapologetically me. I realized this when I had said something, and my friend didn't even need me to explain or defend my statement. He even stopped me, and just said he understood. He just let me be me. I really appreciated that. It was just a small thing, but considering my other circumstances, this was a breath of fresh air.
I know that the people who "click" with me will let me be me, and they will give me advice or suggestions if I need the guidance. What I can do for myself is not try to force friendships with the people that just don't fit into my life, and celebrate the friendships I already have. I also plan to reach out to more people that I want to develop a deeper friendship with by nurturing those relationships. These connections challenge me to grow and learn more about myself.
I'm optimistic about my development, and I hope that if you, the reader, are a sensitive being, that you feel validated. The world needs sensitive and less sensitive people too. It's a balance. What we can do in the meantime is surround ourselves with the right people and take the time to understand what our triggers are. We have so much to offer and can team up to make the world a little better. The people we surround ourselves with will be the energy we often feed off of, and we want to nurture ourselves with healthy social relationships.
As always, thank you for reading, and send me feedback or your thoughts about sensitivity. Are you a sensitive person, or do you know people around you who are? How do you handle yourself and/or others with sensitivity?
Sincerely,
(Sensitive) Simi
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