How to be Single
- Simi
- Feb 1, 2019
- 8 min read
I am actually excited to write this one in time for Valentine's Day in two weeks. As a veteran in this field, here's what the researcher in me has observed over my short lifetime.
1. Build self-efficacy and confidence for yourself through experiences
How do you build self-efficacy? You try new experiences. If you're reading this, I may or may not know you personally. But as a stranger or a close friend, I believe in you, so believe in yourself too. I think you are capable of accomplishing whatever you put your mind to doing. It's not impossible, it's "I'm possible." Thanks Audrey Hepburn for the quote.
I was talking to one of my employers a few weeks back, and she is someone I look up to as she works as a lawyer and runs a swim school business on the side. A true, career woman who is innovative and knows how to lead by example. I asked her how she built confidence in herself over the years, and her response was, "more experiences." Confidence is based on what you believe your worth is, while self-efficacy is what you believe you're capable of doing (had to google this to double check my facts from previous psychology courses I took. Thanks Child Development). Essentially, I think you can kill two birds with one stone. More experiences raise your belief in yourself (self-efficacy) which can lead to more self-confidence in the long run too.
I can attest to this when I look back at times I did some things by myself. When I traveled internationally by myself. When I ate at a restaurant by myself. When I handled crisis situations as a Residential Assistant. When I graduated (still thankful for the support I received of course). When I confessed to my crush that I liked him. When I asked a guy I was interested in to get drinks. When I applied for a competitive position and either got rejected or accepted. The fact is I applied, because I believed in myself to be "good enough" to be considered. You don't know until you try.
The thing is, as humans, we like familiarity. The more familiar we feel about something, the more likely we will perceive that we can handle it. Therefore (ooh transition word), more experiences cover more ground to make unfamiliar/uncomfortable situations familiar/comfortable. Why not build your self-efficacy and self-confidence more while being single? No time like the present. (Or if you're in a relationship, still try things by yourself!)
2. Be your own best friend
I think I'm funny. Wait, no, I AM FUNNY. I'm absolutely hilarious and will laugh at my own jokes or something I did in the comforts of my own company.
Developing healthy mental health habits is something I am working on right now. It's hard. Especially, when you have allowed the neuroplasticity of your thoughts to develop into naturally thinking the worst about yourself during day-to-day situations. For example, if I mess up at something, it's natural to want to think, "I'm so dumb," but if my friend did the same thing, I'll tell them, "It's okay! You're going to be fine." Tell me why I believe that I am the exception? I'm still made of the same biological components as any other person. So, instead, I'll talk out loud to myself, "Here is my situation, what would I tell my best friend if she did the same thing?" Then, I am suddenly more understanding, kinder even, and honest about the reality of what happened or is happening.
An ex-crush of mine once told me, "We are harder on ourselves than we are on other people." It's commendable that we hold ourselves to such high standards, but we can work to be patient with ourselves as we try to improve to become better versions of ourselves. A symptom of being human is that we're not perfect. Every science experiment even has a section for % error. I think in high school, I always wrote in a part of my answer as "human error is to account for the blah blah blah score." See, science even supports that humans are imperfect.
3. Take time to be introspective
When will you ever have as much time for yourself than when you're single? Once you commit to someone, half your time goes to them, and then if you decide to have a family, time divides into how many people are in your nuclear family. Plus, don't forget your time that goes into your job or doing things for other people. All of that time is well worth it, but it's terrible energy management if you haven't taken care of yourself.
I personally journal a lot, and I have been since 2013. Me at 13 was so cringe-y OMG. Even me a few months ago was different from the me today. It's fun to read about what worried me, or what was happening, or how I felt about someone or something. Sometimes, I just want to reminisce about the precious memories and feelings. Sometimes, I am pleasantly surprised to see where I am now from that depressed girl at 19. It's all still me though. I wouldn't be me now, if everything didn't happen the way it did previously.
Understanding yourself is the key to understanding the environment around you. I chose to study neuroscience, because I am more curious about the organ that controls us than what's out in space or under the sea. Knowing yourself helps prepare you in how you will interact with the world. What're your pet peeves? What is your sense of humor? Are you a patient person? What's your communication style? How do you handle conflict? What you value will attract like-minded people, so take this time to accept your authentic self and the right people will stick around too. The better you know yourself, the better prepared you will be in knowing how you will handle life.
4. Take yourself out on dates
What is the ideal date you dream of going on with someone? Why not do it alone? Or do one of your other top great date ideas if your top one is really meant to be done with a significant other?
I enjoy going on hikes by myself in nature. I am going to go see a movie that I've wanted to see this month by myself in the theater. I've gone to art museums alone. I love spending hours on the floor of a bookstore reading (that way I don't have to spend money on the book - I just come back to the same location to continue where I left off). Coffee shop dates by myself. I had the opportunities to visit another city and a country alone. In the process of all of these fun dates, I even built self-efficacy (see tip #1).
However, you don't have to do all these alone. Friend dates are a thing too! We are social creatures by nature, and the right people make for better memories. Have a night in with friends and bring your favorite snacks to watch a movie or tv show. Go out late for once and check out that rooftop bar with your 21+ friends. Maybe go see what local events are going on and check that out with a friend or two.
It's okay, if you're out and you wish you could do this or that with a romantic partner, but take in the sights and smells around you. Relationships are romanticized in our culture, and that's not bad. Just don't forget the relationships that are around you already too.
5. Cultivate your existing relationships
Other than building the relationship you already have with yourself, how about building the relationships with your greatest supporters and loved ones too?
The older I get, the more I come to realize that my time with my parents is decreasing. My superheroes who raised me all my life, they won't be around forever. I know already that I want to live in another country, so what will my time with my family look like then? There is no time like now, to appreciate and make my relationships with them stronger. With a thankful heart, I wouldn't be here without them.
Friendships look different at different times of our lives, and some of my closest friends don't live anywhere near me anymore. I take time each week to call them and catch up where I can. It's not the same as talking in person (which I prefer), but it's so encouraging to see how they are improving as people in their city while I do in mine. Plus, now I have a place to stay when I visit their cool city.
6. Develop existing or new skills
Be an interesting person okay? I've been on a date before where the guy had a cute face. He was tall, dark blondish/brown hair, and blue eyes. But, our conversation... it was like I was interviewing this guy to pull any information out. He was nice, but our conversations didn't get as deep as I would have liked. We did go on a second date now that I think about it, but we're better off as acquaintances.
You know what helps make you interesting? Having cool stories or hobbies. There are so many different activities to do in this world, and I know there's that one thing that you keep saying, "Oh, I really want to get into that." Do it. Just go. Go try it out. You can come back and finish reading my blog later.
I have a friend right now who is developing her coding skills. Another friend who has crazy art skills I never really knew before and draws the most pinterest-y bullet journals. Another friend who is working out more for her health. I finally started my blog! Maybe develop people skills? I'm telling you, socializing is like an endurance work out. The less you do of it, the more draining it is the next time you have to do it.
7. Health is Wealth
Hone in your health habits. Don't be hot for that attractive, (possible) future partner, be hot all the time for you. Work out, wash your face, practice healthy metal health habits, eat nutritious food whatever it is, make them habits.
My mom always says, "What can you do without your health?" Live life to your fullest by taking care of your health as a single person, because no one can change you (and you can't change others). There's just a sphere of influence, so be inspired and inspiring instead! You owe it to yourself to take care and value your worth while you make your life more beautiful.
These were just some of the main tips I have about "How to be Single," I think doing this even if you're in a relationship is important too, because in the end, you'll always be stuck with yourself 24/7. Find your identity. No one can take that from you. It's yours to keep and cherish, and you don't need no man (or woman or whatever they may identify as), you always have you.
Life is hard, but I wish you the best as you try to find your footing. You're not alone, I am trying this out too. I used to wonder why I was single for so long, but honestly, I think part of the reason is that I actually am comfortable and enjoy being single. I definitely romanticize relationships and love stories, but I also really just like my own company. When the time is right, I'm sure it'll fall into place, but I'm not in a rush. I'll just enjoy crushing on fictional characters and that occasional attractive guy I'll see walking past me. I want to accomplish some things on my own, and who knows if or when I'll find the right guy to accompany me on the journey, but until then it'll simply be me :)
Lots of love,
Simi <3
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